American Holidays Are So Extra

I’ve been living in America
for a while now, and, honestly, I don’t know
how to tell you this, but you guys have
way too many holidays! Okay? Like, Christmas,
New Year’s? Those I get. Both are good reasons to get
drunk and ignore your relatives. Same page.
But then you go too far. Secretary’s Day. Arbor Day.
What the F is Arbor’s Day? Groundhog Day.
Get High at Work Day. I don’t even know
if these are real. I just trust my writers. Wait. Are y’all
getting high at work? California, I tell you. And you don’t have these
holidays because you actually care about whatever it is you’re
supposed to be celebrating. All these holidays are just prescheduled excuses
to not go to work. Let’s be real. Okay? I mean, you take the day off
on a day called Labor Day. Really? Labor Day? Who doesn’t do labor
on a day called Labor Day? I feel like every time
I look up, Americans are sending an out-of-office e-mail so they can drive to a lake
And light something on fire. I don’t even know how to send
an out-of-office e-mail. And in L.A., it’s even worse. I once — This is a true story. I once got an e-mail reply
that said, “I won’t be available today because Mercury
is in retrograde.” In Canada, holidays are simple. In Canada, we have Canada Day. You light one firework, and you’re definitely
going to work the next day. The first time I saw Americans
loading up their cars for the Fourth of July,
I thought one of two things. Okay?
There’s a flood coming. Or it’s Dwayne Johnson’s
cheat day. Like… -Whoo!
-Thank you. Every family has like
3 coolers, 6 beach chairs, a full-sized gas grill,
and 40 pounds of ground beef. But I guess that makes sense,
because, you know, you spend an entire week celebrating
a holiday that’s one day. It’s called a holiday,
not a holi-four-day-weekend. What’s wrong with you? Also, I understand
the Fourth of July represents your country’s independence,
but none of the things you use to celebrate it
are even made here. Your flags, your fireworks, the prosthetic hand you wear after an accident
with your fireworks — they’re all made in China. Americans love Fourth of July,
but not as much as China does. And let’s be real —
holidays in America are not about celebrating
the country’s independence or Jesus’ birthday. They’re about buying things
you don’t need for 50% off. Because we all know there’s nothing Jesus
would have enjoyed more than a brand-new mattress
he bought at a discount. You love sales so much,
you’re willing to kill for them. There’s been so much violence
on Black Friday that there’s an entire website
that tracks how many people have been injured or died
trying to get a good deal. Yeah. It’s called Yes. Evaluate yourselves. I get it. If you’re getting
a 4K TV for 50 bucks, I mean, someone obviously
has to die, okay? It’s not like we don’t have
Black Friday in Canada. We do. It’s called Boxing Day. We call it that
because that’s the one day when you box someone
for a good deal. [ Clicks tongue ] Okay? It’s the only day of the year
that Canada is wilding! It’s like our version
of The Purge. It’s also
the day after Christmas, and let me just tell you
my parents always went ham. For the longest time, I thought
Christmas was on December 27th. Now, I’ll give you this — You guys do know how to feast
for your holidays. I got invited to Thanksgiving
dinner where they had turducken. If you —
“Oh, God” is correct. If you don’t know
what turducken is, let me first say this —
prepare yourselves. You’re in for a wild ride. Okay? A turducken is a turkey stuffed with a duck
stuffed with a chicken. Okay? Yeah, its straight-up
sounds like a farm got hit by a tornado… and, afterwards, the farmer’s
like, “Ah, just cook it!” Y’all go hard on Thanksgiving. You do realize
what you’re celebrating on Thanksgiving, right? It wasn’t the Pilgrims
freeing the Native Americans. And then, as if celebrating
Thanksgiving wasn’t enough, you gave Christopher Columbus
his own holiday! Americans are like,
“Let’s celebrate a brutal colonization
not once but twice!” But you know what?
I’ll be honest. With the schedule
I’ve had this year, much like Christopher Columbus,
I would kill for a day off.


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