Orbs And Swords: Trump’s Weekend In Saudi Arabia


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. NOW, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT
I’VE GOT A LITTLE EXTRA PEP IN MY
STEP TONIGHT BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP HAS LEFT THE COUNTRY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BREATHING A LITTLE EASIER. FEDERAL JUDGES, NOW WOULD BE A
GOOD TIME TO REINSTATE THAT TRAVEL BAN. ( LAUGHTER )
HE’S FLYING BACK FROM A DANGEROUS PART OF THE WORLD. HE SAID SOME RADICAL STUFF. I’M JUST SAYING, EXTREME
VETTING. THAT’S ALL I’M ASKING FOR. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) WHERE DOES HIS MONEY COME FROM,
SO MANY UNKNOWNS. HIS FIRST STOP THIS WEEKEND WAS
SAUDI ARABIA, WHERE TRUMP WAS GREETED ON THE TARMAC BY KING
SALMAN. THAT’S NICE. NOT ALL ROYALTY WILL DUNE
AIRPORT PICKUP. ( LAUGHTER )
JUST CALL ME, I’LL BE CIRCLING. JUST CALL ME. THE SAUDIS KNOW THAT THE
QUICKEST WAY TO TRUMP’S HEART IS THROUGH HIS EGO. SO THEY PUT UP TRUMP-THEMED
BILLBOARDS EVERYWHERE. INCLUDING ONE OF HIS TWEETS,
“GREAT TO BE IN RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA. LOOKING FORWARD TO THE AFTERNOON
AND EVENING AHEAD. #POTUS-ABROAD.” ( LAUGHTER )
THEY EVEN PUT ONE OF HIS TWEETS ON THE WELCOME SIGN. “WELCOME TO RIYADH. ROSIE O’DONNELL IS A FAT PIG.” ( LAUGHTER )
SURPRISED THEY DID THAT. THAT SIGN IS NOT HALAL NOW. THEY EVEN PROJECTED HIS FACE
FIVE STORIES HIGH ONTO THE WALL OF HIS HOTEL. NO, NO, YOU HAVE TO —
THAT WAY, IF HE GOT LOST, HE COULD FIND HIS WAY BACK. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, BACK WHEN OBAMA MADE THE SAME TRIP, TRUMP TWEETED, “MANY
PEOPLE ARE SAYING IT WAS WONDERFUL THAT MRS. OBAMA
REFUSED TO WEAR A SCARF IN SAUDI ARABIA, BUT THEY WERE INSULTED. WE HAVE ‘EEE-NOOF’ ENEMIES.” ( LAUGHTER )
EEE-NOOF. ( LAUGHTER )
SO, IT WAS A SURPRISE WHEN MELANIA EMERGED FROM AIR FORCE
ONE ALSO WITHOUT A SCARF. BUT SHE CLEVERLY DREW ATTENTION
AWAY FROM HER HEAD BY WEARING ONE OF HER HUSBAND’S W.W.E. BELTS. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ATOMIC. SHE’LL ATOMIC DROP YOU. BOOM! DIAMOND CUTTER! ( APPLAUSE )
THEN THERE’S THE BOW. SOMEHOW, THE SAUDI KING ALWAYS
GETS THE U.S. PRESIDENT TO BOW. IT HAPPENED TO GEORGE BUSH IN
2008, AND OBAMA IN 2009. TRUMP GAVE OBAMA A LOT OF GRIEF
FOR THAT. SO THERE WAS “NO WAY” TRUMP WAS
GOING TO BOW WHEN KING SALMAN GAVE HIM THE MEDAL. HERE HE IS GOING FROM THE
KNEES — TRYING NOT TO — AND THE BOW, AND A LITTLE CURTSY AT
THE END THERE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) VERY NICE. THANK YOU. ( PIANO RIFF )
IT DOESN’T MATTER. YOU’VE GOT TO BOW TO GET THE
THING AROUND YOUR NECK. BUT IT’S KIND OF A DIRTY TRICK
BY THE SAUDI KING. FIRST OF ALL, HE’S SHORT. SECOND, HE’S HOLDS THE MEDAL
HERE. “COME AND GET IT — LIMBO
LOWER — HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?” ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, AFTER ARRIVING, THE PRESIDENT THEN TOOK PART IN A
TRADITIONAL CELEBRATORY SWORD DANCE CALLED THE “ARDHA.” AND HERE’S TRUMP, SWORD-FLOPPING
TO THE BEAT. “I’M NOT HERE TO CAUSE NO
TROUBLE. I’M JUST HERE TO DO THE MIDDLE
EAST SHUFFLE.” ( LAUGHTER )
THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. ( PIANO RIFF )
JUST KIND OF DOING IT. JUST KIND OF DOING IT. YOU CAN KIND OF HEAR WHAT HE’S
THINKING. HE’S GOING —
“OKAY, DONNY, THIS IS WEIRD, BUT GET THROUGH IT, AND THEY’LL LET
YOU MEET THE GENIE.” IT’S GOING TO BE FUN, I’M GOING
TO WISH FOR ALL THE WISHES. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S HARD TO TELL WHAT SONG THESE GUYS ARE DANCING TO. CAN WE GET THE SOUND TURNED UP,
JIM? ( ♪ IT’S RAINING MEN ♪ )
( ♪ IT’S RAINING MEN ♪ ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT NOT EVERYONE LOOKED COMFORTABLE AT THE PARTY. HERE’S STEVE BANNON REALIZING
THESE ARE NOT THE KIND OF MEN IN WHITE ROBES HE’S USED TO. ( LAUGHTER )
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WE JOKE. WE JOKE BECAUSE WE LOVE. ( LAUGHTER )
IT WASN’T ALL SWORD PLAY. TRUMP ALSO HELPED AT THE OPENING
CEREMONY FOR “THE GLOBAL CENTER FOR COMBATING EXTREMIST
IDEOLOGY” BY LAYING HANDS UPON THIS GLOWING ORB! ( LAUGHTER )
WHATEVER QUALITIES THAT MAGICAL SPHERE CONFERS: ETERNAL YOUTH IS
NOT ONE OF THEM. FELLAS, IF I MAY, YOU NEED TO
WORK ON YOUR “NOT-LOOKING-LIKE-SUPERVILLAINS”
SKILLS. LOOK AT THAT! IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE ACTIVATING
THE UNDERSEA ROBOT TO EMERGE FROM ITS VOLCANO BASE AND KILL
AQUAMAN. ( LAUGHTER )
JIM, CAN WE PULL OUT AND SEE WHO ELSE IS THERE? SARUMAN AND GARGAMEL. I KNEW IT! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, THE CENTERPIECE OF
— I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING.>>Jon: YEAH, I DON’T EITHER.>>Stephen: I WOULD BE
SURPRISED IF YOU DID KNOW. IF YOU KNEW, I WOULD BE A LITTLE
WORRIED.>>Jon: YEAH, I KNOW.>>Stephen: OF COURSE, THE
CENTERPIECE OF TRUMP’S SAUDI VISIT WAS HIS
SPEECH TO THE MUSLIM WORLD, WHICH HE APPARENTLY GAVE IN
CRAZY AHMED’S CHANDELIER EMPORIUM. TRUMP HAD A LOT OF KIND WORDS
ABOUT HIS HOST REGION.>>SAUDI ARABIA IS HOME TO THE
HOLIEST SITES IN ONE OF THE WORLD’S GREAT FAITHS. ALL OVER THE WORLD, PEOPLE DREAM
OF WALKING THROUGH THE RUINS OF PETRA IN JORDAN. IRAQ WAS THE CRADLE OF
CIVILIZATION AND IS A LAND OF NATURAL BEAUTY. THE ENTIRE REGION IS AT THE
CENTER OF THE KEY SHIPPING LANES OF THE SUEZ CANAL, THE RED SEA,
AND THE STRAITS OF HORMUZ.>>Stephen: THAT’S A HARD
SELL. IT REALLY FEELS LIKE HE’S TRYING
TO SELL A TIME SHARE ON THE
EUPHRATES. ( LAUGHTER )
“EACH UNIT COMES WITH A PLUNGE POOL AND GYM ACCESS! ACT NOW, AND WE’LL THROW IN A
FREE GLOWING ORB!” I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT DOES. ( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP ALSO LAID OUT HOW HE WAS GOING TO HELP SAUDI ARABIA.>>THIS LANDMARK AGREEMENT
INCLUDES THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF A $110 BILLION SAUDI-FUNDED
DEFENSE PURCHASE, AND WE WILL BE SURE TO HELP OUR SAUDI FRIENDS
TO GET A GOOD DEAL FROM OUR GREAT AMERICAN DEFENSE
COMPANIES.>>Stephen: YEAH, ALSO WE’RE
RUNNING A DEAL. IF YOU BUY 10 F-35 FIGHTER JETS,
BRING IN YOUR FULLY PUNCHED CARD, WE’LL THROW IN A FREE SUB. A NUCLEAR SUB. ( APPLAUSE )
WILBUR ROSS ALSO ENJOYED THE TRIP.>>THERE WAS NOT A SINGLE HINT
OF A PROTESTER DURING THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE THERE. NOT ONE GUY WITH A BAD PLACARD.>>Stephen: YEAH, SO GREAT! NO PROTESTERS ANYWHERE IN
SAUDI ARABIA! NOBODY HOLDING UP A BAD PLACARD
OR ANYTHING. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S PRETTY HARD TO HOLD UP ANYTHING WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE ANY
HANDS. NOW, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS DARK. I DON’T WANT TO EXAGGERATE HOW
SAUDI ARABIA CUTS OFF PROTESTERS HANDS. IN FACT, PROTESTING IS
PUNISHABLE BY DECAPITATION. SO SAUDI PROTESTERS ARE A LOT
MORE CALM THAN HERE. NO PLACARDS.

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