The Time Zack Morris Was A Scumbag Politician For A Free Vacation


♪ Zack Morris is Trash ♪ (bell rings) – [Narrator] It’s Bayside election time. Zack Morris’ oldest friend Jessie is running for student body president. Zack just plans to run
after uninterested women. He dismisses her political
ambitions as lame. Jessie cares about her peers. Zack, for the second time in one minute, declares he only wants to fuck them. Jessie’s mom was an activist in the ’60s. She wants to follow in her footsteps. Zack once again calls her dreams dumb. He complains nothing ever changes, so Jessie encourages him to run instead of just whining. Zack takes this opportunity
to fat shame a woman. – Me, run? It’s like asking Roseanne
Barr to skip a meal. – [Narrator] Belding reports, Bayside got funding to take
the next student president on a surprise week long
trip to Washington D.C. Zack hears free vacation from school and decides to get involved with politics. Jessie’s the only candidate, anyone care to compete? Lisa would never back stab
her friend, Zack would. Jessie demands an explanation. Zack offers a shit-eating grin instead. Jessie delivers an impassioned speech, while Zack mocks her, promising a better school with
healthier food, sounds good. Zack throws away the
school’s constitution, then promises more
obesity causing garbage. Zack tells Screech about the trip, a secret he really should keep secret, then threatens him with
violence if he talks, then sends him to fetch
some D.C. travel brochures. Zack tries to get Slater’s
vote the old fashioned way. – What would the world be
like if a woman ran it? – Less violent and color coordinated? – [Narrator] Sounds good. Slater wisely goes with Jessie, and speculates on Zack’s evident scheme. Slater bumps into Screech, who drops his many brochures, and divulges they’re to
plan Zack’s rawkus rump in our nation’s boring ass capital pending his certain victory. Slater tells Belding to have fun in D.C., Zack’s been blabbing about it. Odd, he runs when there’s a vacation. – Zack Morris is like a vacuum cleaner, he’ll suck you in if he can. – [Narrator] He certainly sucks. Zack screens a video that
is straight propaganda, comparing himself to our founding fathers. Blatant lies about knowing celebrities, having sex, and helping others. Praise from foreign leaders. Then goes full Nixon. Kelly, a genius, was undecided, but after that bullshit
she’s voting for Jessie. Belding tells Zack he’s in big trouble running for a vacation. The only way to beat these charges is stay in the race now that the funding fell through. Except Zack is way up in the polls thanks to his many shameless falsehoods. Zack plots to sabotage his
fraudulent slander marathon. Lisa breaks Jessie the hard truth that Zack is crushing her. He’s making baseless, often
contradictory promises to any susceptible group who will listen. Jessie’s ready to do anything
to keep him out of office. At the final debate, Zack announced his plans
to do away with weekends, extend school hours, and triple homework. Enter a cool new Jessie, who is now reduced to
peddling the all party, no study nonsense Zack pioneered. Zack and Jessie are neck and neck. Zack finally shares with
Screech he’s trying to lose so all his hard work
was yet again pointless. Jessie said she stooped so low and abandoned her values. Zack has no values, and
hasn’t begun to stoop. He has Screech paying students
quarters to vote for Jessie while spreading nasty
rumors about himself. Jessie endlessly kind, hopes Zack wasn’t hurt by the many mean murmurings she heard. Kelly felt bad because
of those murmurings, and voted for Zack. He wins by one vote, forever tarnishing Jessie’s
friendship with Kelly. Belding tells Zack the trip is still on, because this was a test
that he failed at failing. Zack intrudes on a devastated Jessie who still says she’s happy
for him through her tears. He now sees being president
would’ve meant a lot to her. Something she was crystal
fucking clear about from the start. Zack confesses about the trip, but now that permanent emotional
damage has been inflicted, he’s gonna resign. So all her struggles and
anguish were for nothing. Let’s review, Zack Morris’ oldest friend wanted to better her community
through political service. Zack chastised her, then when he heard about a free trip, became her sole competition. Then ran on empty promises and propaganda. When he got caught looking for kickbacks, because he sent Screech on
a necessary brochure errand, tried to lose, but couldn’t do that right, and fecklessly shattered a friendship. Then bailed, because
he never wanted a year of additional responsibility, he just wanted a free vacation. But it wasn’t free, it cost those closest to him their time, and values, and dreams, and tears. Zack Morris is trash. ♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪ (bell ringing)

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