Weekend Update 5-14-16, Part 2 of 2 – SNL


CONSERVATIVES AROUND THE COUNTRY
HAVE BEEN INTRODUCING BATHROOM BILLS TO PREVENT TRANSGENDER
PEOPLE FROM USING BATHROOM OF THEIR CHOICE.
SO I GUESS THEIR POINT IS, IF YOU ARE A PEDOPHILE AND YOU WERE
BORN A MAN YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SNEAK INTO THE WOMEN’S ROOM
AND ATTACK GIRLS. YOU HAVE GOT TO STAY IN THE
MEN’S ROOM AND ATTACK BOYS. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE HAVE
ANY BATHROOM LAWS ANYMORE. ANY ONE COULD WALK INTO ANY
BATHROOM AT ANY TIME. IF I AM IN A MEXICAN RESTAURANT.
I CHOOSE THE WRONG DOOR 50% OF THE TIME.
MY SPANISH JUST ISN’T THAT GOOD. I THINK THE REAL IRONY OF THIS
BATHROOM BILL IS THAT BATHROOM BILL SOUND LIKE THE PERFECT NAME
FOR A RESTAURANT PERVERT. BATHROOM BILL IN HERE PEEKING
UNDER THE STALLS. GET OF HERE.
DON’T JUST PUT ON A WIG AND COME BACK AS BATHROOM JILL.
>>MEXICAN RESTAURANTS DON’T HAVE PICTURES.
>>SCULPTURE OF KNEELING ADOLF HITLER WAS SOLD AT AUCTION FOR
MORE THAN $17 MILLION. DEPICTS HITLER ON HIS KNEES
BEGGING PEOPLE TO STOP COMPARING HIM TO DONALD TRUMP.
FORTUNATELY, IT WAS SOLD TO A JEWISH MAN WHO WAS ABOUT TO HAVE
THE GREATEST SNAP CHAT OF ALL TIME.
>>THERE’S AN INSPIRATIONAL VIDEO THAT’S GONE VIRAL CALLED,
“IT’S NEVER TOO LATE,” WHICH CLAIMS YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD TO
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS. HERE TO COMMENT IS OUR OWN
LESLIE JONES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>YEAH. THANK YOU, COLIN.
GREAT TO BE HERE. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
>>OH, COLLIN. OH.
>>COME ON. BUT MAN, I AM 48.
AND LAST MONTH I TORE MY ACL PLAYING A NINJA IN A COMEDY
SKETCH. MY WHOLE LIFE I WANTED TO BE A
NINJA. MY 48-YEAR-OLD KNEE WAS LIKE,
BITCH, YOU ISI NOT A NINJA. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THE ONLY THING YOU DO IN BLACK PAJAMAS IS WATCH “THE CHEW.”
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] BUT THAT VIDEO MADE ME REALIZE
YOU CAN ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS AT ANY AGE.
YOU KNOW? DID YOU KNOW THAT HARRISON FORD
AT 30 WAS A CARPENTER. VERA WANG DIDN’T DESIGN HER
FIRST DRESS UNTIL SHE WAS 40. EVEN CAP CHIN — CAP CHIN CRUNCH
JOINED THE NAVY AT 50. ALL I’M SAYING IS THAT YOU YOUNG
ONES IS RUNNING AROUND HERE TRYING TO BE SOMEBODY WHEN YOU
DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE YET. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO OPRAH
AT 23. SHE GOT FIRED.
IFFAGE IN FIRING OPRAH.>>WELL, THAT WAS A MISTAKE.
>>NO IT WASN’T. BECAUSE THE SHE WASN’T OPRAH.
SHE WAS JUST SOME 23-YEAR-OLD PUNK WHO NEEDED TO GET FIRED SO
SHE COULD BECOME OPRAH. SOME TIMES YOU HAVE GOT TO FAIL
TO SUCCEED.>>WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 23?
>>MAN, I DON’T KNOW. MY FIRST PART OF MY 20s WAS LIKE
A SEXUAL BLUR. YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ] THERE WAS SOME JOBS.
LIKE, TEMP JOBS. UPS.
>>I WAS GLAD I GOT FIRED. YOU KNOW, LORNE MICHAELS,
CREATED “SNL” 41 YEARS AGO. BUT MAYBE IF HE WAS FIRED LIKE
OPRAH, HE WOULDN’T STILL BE WORKING THE SAME DAMN JOB.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]>>OUR GENERATION IS MUCH
HEALTHIER NOW. MY DAD DIDN’T HYDRATE, HE DRANK
SCOTCH. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
MY DAD DIDN’T EXERCISE. HE DRANK SCOTCH.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] PEOPLE TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES
NOW. WE DO PILATES, WE GOT
JAMIE LEE CURTIS TO KEEP US REGULAR.
[ LAUGHTER ] WE DO YOGA.
YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING.>>YOU DO YOGA.
PILATE.>>YOU DO YOGA.
WELL, NAMASTE. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE YOGA
POSITION?>>DOWNWARD FACING COLIN.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]>>I JUST WANT TO NAMA YOUR STE,
BOO!>>>NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE
BLASIO ANNOUNCED A PLAN TO HELP REDUCE THE DEER POPULATION ON
STATEN ISLAND GIVING THE MALE DEERS VASECTOMIES, SINCE DEER
ABORTIONS ARE ILLEGAL DUE TO THE CASE OF DOE VS.
WADE.>>>A MAN WAS SAVED WHEN
DOMINO’S PIZZA CONCERNED ABOUT HIS ORDER.
PART OF DOMINO’S NEW SLOGAN, YOU DIE WHEN WE SAY YOU DIE.
>>>BEYONCE MADE AN ALBUM CALLED LEMONADE WHICH HIGHLIGHTS
JAY-Z’S INFIDELITY AND THAT ADVICE AT A SECRET RAPPER’S
MEETING. HERE TO TALK MORE ABOUT THIS, IS
OUR OWN JAY PHAROAH. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>WHAT UP, JAY.>>HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON JAY, SO
YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT THERE’S A SECRET RAPPER’S MEETING?
>>YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WE MEET UP EVERY THREE MONTHS.
AT P DIDDY’S ABOVE GROUND SUBMARINE.
>>REALLY? WELL, TELL US WHAT HAPPENED.
>>FIRST, JAY Z GOT UP, RIGHT. AND HE WAS LIKE, YEAH, UH UH UH.
YEAH, SO DEFINITELY. ME AND BEYONCE ARE LIKE BEEFING,
YOU KNOW. I’M TIRED OF SLEEPING IN BLUE’S
WINE CELLAR. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
I’M SORRY. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN 50 STARTED LAUGHING. AND THAT’S WHEN 50 WAS LIKE,
HA-HA-HA HA-HA. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND WHAT UP? HEY, JAY, MAYBE YOU NEED TO
APOLOGIZE, JUST A LITTLE BIT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
TRUST ME, I’M GOOD WITH WOMEN. I GOT VIVICA FOX TO EAT MY BUTT.
HA-HA-HA-HA. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>>SO, 50 CENT WAS THERE?>>YEAH.
AND THEN TI SAYS, AYE, AYE, AYE, BEYONCE HAS TO REMEMBER THE
OBSTACLES OF THESE PARTICULAR CIRCUMSTANCES.
HEY, YO, YO, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TI SAID, YOU KNOW, BUT IF
HE WAS A BROTHER LIKE ME, SOMEBODY GOT TO ASK YOUR GIRL,
WHAT YOU REALLY WANT? AND THEN WAYNE WAS LIKE, IT IS
WEEZA BABY, AND BEYONCE IS A BAD CHICK AND YOU NEED TO PATCH IT,
UH-HUH, UH-HUH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>>WERE THERE ANY RAPPERS I LIKE?
LIKE, YOU KNOW, WILL SMITH?>>OH, DAMN, THAT’S CRAZY
INSANE. CHECK IT OUT, MIAMI.
OOH-HOO.>>YEP, YEP.
I GOT MY MONEY’S WORTH. SON OF A GUN.
>>YOU FOOL. WERE ANY WOMEN THERE?
>>NICKI MINAJ WAS THERE. SHE WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, LIKE,
YOU KNOW, NEVER WOULD CHEAT ON ME.
IF HE DOES — THEN I’LL KILL HIM!
AND THEN, AND THEN, DRAKE WAS LIKE, I MEAN, LIKE, OH YEAH, OH
YEAH, OH YEAH, I NEED — I MEAN CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG AND
RELAX AND ALL THAT, YOU KNOW.>>HOLD ON, WAIT.
I DON’T SOUND LIKE THAT. JUST RELAX.
>>YEAH, BRO, YOU DO SOUND LIKE THAT.
>>YOU CAN’T DO MY VOICE.>>I CAN DO YOUR VOICE JUST LIKE
THAT. I’M DOING IT RIGHT NOW.
>>YOU DON’T SOUND LIKE ME. AWE SAY, OH YEAH.
>>OH YEAH.>>DRAKE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
>>GOOD NIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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