Weekend Update: Leslie Jones on Summer Beach Bodies – SNL


>>>THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION FOR
THE ADVANCEMENT OF COLORED PEOPLE HAS ISSUED ITS FIRST-EVER
TRAVEL ADVISORY WARNING FOR PEOPLE OF COLOR OF
DISCRIMINATION MISSOURI. FIRST OF ALL, NAACP, STOP
CALLING US COLORED PEOPLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE PICKED A COLOR A LONG TIME AGO, IT’S BLACK, OKAY?
SECOND, NOBODY’S GOING TO MISSOURI BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.
IT’S NOT CANCUN. IT’S THE SHOW-ME STATE.
AS IN, “HEY, BROTHER, CAN YOU SHOW ME HOW TO GET TO CHICAGO?”
[ LAUGHTER ]>>LEGENDARY COOK BOOK EDITOR
JUDITH JONES DIED AT THE AGE OF 93.
SHE’LL BE BURIED AT 350 DEGREES FOR 30 MINUTES.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] [ AUDIENCE REACTS ]
>>>POLICE IN NORTH CAROLINA ARE SEARCHING FOR A WOMAN WHO ROBBED
A SPRINT STORE. THE WOMAN WAS ABLE TO BREAK IN
BECAUSE EVEN THE SECURITY GATE AT SPRINT ONLY HAS TWO BARS.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>>L.L. COOL J. WILL BECOME THE
FIRST RAPPER EVER TO RECEIVE A KENNEDY CENTER HONOR LATER THIS
YEAR. NOT COUNTING THE ONE YEAR THE
HONOR WENT TO OLD DIRTY BASTARD. [ AUDIENCE REACTS ]
>>WELL, IT’S AUGUST AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE STILL WORKING ON
THEIR BEACH BODIES. HERE TO COMMENT ON THAT IS ONE
PERSON WHO’S BEEN WORKING OUT, OUR OWN LESLIE JONES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>HEY!
WHOO! WHAT’S UP?
HOW YOU DOING, BABY?>>IT’S GREAT TO SEE YOU,
LESLIE. CAN I JUST SAY, YOU LOOK GREAT.
>>I BELIEVE THE WORDS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS “DAMN GIRL, YOU
GOT THEM MICHELLE OBAMA ARMS.” GET YOUR WALLET OUT, BY TICKETS
TO THE GUN SHOW! GUN SHOW, KISS IT!
KISS IT! KISS IT WITH YOUR PRETTY MOUTH!
YEAH! I JUST SHOWED YOU WHAT’S GOING
TO HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU GO TO JAIL, COLIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>WHEN I GO TO JAIL?
>>YES.>>LESLIE, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU
REALLY ENJOY GETTING INTO SHAPE.>>YES, I LOVE WORKING OUT.
BUT I DO NOT LIKE GOING TO THE GYM, OKAY?
THERE WAS THIS ONE GIRL AT THE GYM IN THESE BIG ASS POOFY
SHORTS NOW I DON’T HAVE TO TELL Y’ALL THAT SHE WAS WHITE.
[ LAUGHTER ] THIS WHORE OF BABYLON WENT UP TO
THE WATER UP TO THE WATER THAT I DRINK FROM AND STARTED SPLASHING
WATER IN HER SWEATY ASS ARMPITS. THAT’S NASTY!
THAT’S WORSE THAN BEING IN A SWIMMING POOL FULL OF BOOTY
WATER.>>SORRY, WHAT IS BOOTY WATER?
>>LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU, YOU SEXY ASS WHITE-WALKER.
WHEN YOU’RE IN A POOL, YOU DON’T KNOW HOW YOUR BOOTY IS GOING TO
REACT SUBMERGED IN WATER. OKAY?
YOU DON’T KNOW IF YOU GOT LOOSE AIR POCKETS THAT NEED TO COME
OUT. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW YOUR BUTT
HOLE IS GOING TO REACT TO ALL THE PRESSURE OF THE WATER UP
AGAINST IT. SO EVENTUALLY, BOOTY PLUS WATER
EQUALS BOOTY WATER. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]>>YEAH, I MEAN, YOU CAN’T ARGUE
WITH MATH.>>NOPE.
>>IF WE COULD ALSO JUST GET BACK TO EXERCISING.
IT SEEMS PEOPLE ONLINE GET VERY INSPIRED BY YOU.
>>YES, PEOPLE TELL ME ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I POST MY WORKOUT
VIDEOS ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND I GOT ONE THING TO SAY TO ALL OF
Y’ALL. I’M NOT DOING IT FOR Y’ALL, I’M
DOING IT FOR ME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I’M 49 YEARS OLD AND I WANT TO LOOK FINE ONE MORE TIME BEFORE I
DIE, OKAY? I WANT TO LOOK LIKE PAM GRIER
WHEN SHE WAS IN “FOXY BROWN.” AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WANT TO
LOOK FINE EVEN AFTER I DIE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I WANT THE DUDE AT THE MORTUARY TO BE LIKE —
>>OH, NO. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>DAMN. NOW I’M NOT SAYING HE SHOULD DO
ANYTHING, BUT I’M SAYING IT SHOULD CROSS HIS MIND, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?>>LESLIE JONES, EVERYONE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>KISS THE ARMS, BABY.
>>>WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE “WEEKEND UPDATE SUMMER
EDITION” AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK.
THANK YOU.

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