Weekend Update on Aunt Jemima Recall – SNL


>>AUNT JEMIMA IS RECALLING
SEVERAL BREAKFAST FOOT PRODUCTS WHO MIGHT CONTAIN LISTERIA WHO
I’M GUESSING IS HER SISTER.>>OFFICIALS IN INDIA ARE HOPING
TO DEAL WITH THE EXPLODING MONKEY POPULATION BY PROVIDING
THEM WITH BIRTH CONTROL. WHERE THEY TREAT MONKEYS BETTER
THAN AMERICA TREATS WOMEN. [ APPLAUSE ]
THEY HAVE TO USE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS BECAUSE EVERY TIME THEY
TRIED TO TEACH THE MONKEY TO USE A CONDOM, IT ATE THE BANANA.
>>A COMPANY IN CANADA CREATED NEW SOFTWARE THAT CAN MIMIC
ANYONE’S VOICE AND GET IT TO SAY ANYTHING.
I WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO HEAR MY DAD SAY I’M PROUD OF YOU.
>>TOMORROW IS MOTHER’S DAY. DON’T FORGET TO CALL YOUR MAMA,
BECAUSE I WON’T.>>McDONALD’S INTRODUCED A NEW
UTENSIL CALLED THE FROERK. A FORK WITH FRENCH FRIES.
IT’S A GOOD WAY TO TELL YOUR ARTERIES TO GO FORK THEMSELVES.
>>JAMES COMEY GOT THE CONTRADICTORY REASONS OUT OF THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS CAUSING A LOT OF CONFUSION LIKE I JUST HAD.
THIS IS THE WOMAN WHO IS ALWAYS YELLING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW.
KATHY ANN.>>HEY, HEY.
YOU ARE LOOKING NICE TODAY.>>THANK YOU, KATHY ANN.
>>CAN YOU UNDERSTAND HALF OF WHAT’S GOING ON RIGHT NOW.
EVERYTHING IS MORE CONFUSING AND MESSIER THAN WHEN MY UNCLE’S YOU
KNOW WHAT LAB EXPLODED.>>I FIGURED IT WAS A METH LAB.
>>CAN YOU BELIEVE DONALD TRUMP GETS TO FIRE THE MAN
INVESTIGATING HIM? IF I GOT TO FIRE EVERY PERSON
THAT INVESTIGATED ME, I WOULD STILL HAVE MY JOB AT PIZZA HUT.
>>WHAT HAPPENED AT PIZZA HUT?>>WHAT DIDN’T HAPPEN AT PIZZA
HUT. OH, MAN.
DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID ABOUT JAMES COMEY?
HE IS TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT WITH THE FBI.
WHO THE HELL WANTS TO PICK A FIGHT WITH THE FBI.
I HAVE HAD SOME PROBLEMS WITH PARANOIA IN MY LIFE DUE TO FUNKY
WIRING IN MY HEAD AND MIXED WITH MILD RECREATIONAL HEAVY DRUG
USE. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE PARANOID FOR
REAL IF YOU MESS WITH THE FBI AND THE RUSSIANS ON TOP OF THAT?
HE IS LIVING THE ACTUAL LIFE JUNKIES ARE DREAMING ABOUT IN
THE BOWLING ALLEY. WHEN THEY ARE LIKE THE CIA IS
AFTER ME. THE RUSSIANS ARE LISTENING.
BUT THAT’S HIS REAL LIFE.>>YEAH, I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT HIS REAL LIFE.>>HANGING ON TO THE RUSSIANS
ANYWAY. THEY ARE PUSHING PEOPLE OUT OF
WINDOWS AND SHOOTING THEM IN THE BACK OF THE CARS AND THE WOMAN
PUSHING PAINT IN PEOPLE’S FACE. I BET YOU THAT HE HAS MORE
RUSSIAN FRIENDS THAN I HAVE DAYS LEFT TO LIVE.
>>KATHY ANN, DON’T SAY THAT.>>BABY, I LIVE HARD, OKAY.
I’M LIKE A SHOOTING STAR. YOU MY STORY.
>>I’M NOT COMPLETELY FAMILIAR WITH IT, BUT I’LL TRY.
>>I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE HE’S CRAZY
AND CRAZY RECOGNIZES CRAZY. DONALD TRUMP, I SEE YOU, MY MAN.
>>YOUR MAN?>>IT’S ALL THESE PEOPLE IN
CONGRESS PRETENDING THEY DON’T SEE WHAT’S GOING ON.
YOU ARE NOT DUMB. THE ONLY THING THESE
INVESTIGATING COMMITTEES NEED TO BE BOOK LOOKING FOR IS A DAMN
BACKBONE. IT’S NOT GOING TO BE MITCH
McDONALD BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE THIS.
LIKE SOMETHING PUMPED A TURTLE. THE REST OF THEM NEED TO GROW A
PAIR AND PUT THEIR COUNTRY BEFORE THE PARTY.
DON’T TELL US WE AIN’T GOT THE MONEY TO PAY FOR PEOPLE’S HEALTH
CARE AND TURN AROUND AND SPEND A MILLION DOLLARS A DAY SO DONALD
TRUMP’S WIFE DON’T HAVE TO SLEEP IN THE SAME BED AS HIM.
I CAN RELATE. I HAVE BEEN IN A SIMILAR
SITUATION. I USED TO GET PAID $15 A DAY TO
STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN DOWN THE STREET FROM ME.
HE WOULD LEAVE IT IN A LITTLE ENVELOPE AND WRITE PLEASE ON THE
OUTSIDE. THAT’S HOW I GOT MY FIRST
CRICKET PHONE.>>CRICKET.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WITH A CRICKET PHONE.
>>YOU PUT IT IN MY STORY. LISTEN TO ME.
IF THIS DUDE TURNS INTO A WATERGATE TYPE SITUATION, I’M
SAYING IT RIGHT NOW. I CALL DEEP THROAT.
>>KATHY ANN, EVERYBODY. I’M MICHAEL CHE.

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