Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Wiretapping Accusation – SNL


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>>Announcer: IT’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>WHAT’S UP, EVERYBODY?>>WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE.
I’M COLIN JOST.>>I’M MICHAEL CHE.
>>THIS SATURDAY MORNING WHILE HIS NURSE WAS AT TEMPLE, GRANDPA
SHUFFLED OUT OF HIS ROOM AND GOT INTO HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT WITHOUT
OFFERING ANY EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER, PRESIDENT TRUMP
>>IS IT LEGAL FOR A SITTING PRESIDENT TO BE
WIRETAPPING A RACE FOR A PRESIDENT PRIOR TO AN ELECTION?
DUDE YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES AND YOU ARE
SEEKING LEGAL ADVICE ON TWITTER? THAT’S LIKE YOUR DOCTOR
TWEET OUT, HEY DOES THIS LOOK INFECTED?
BUT THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS ALLEGATION FOR A SITTING
PRESIDENT TO MAKE ABOUT HIS PREDECESSOR.
AND YOU KNOW THAT BECAUSE HIS VERY NEXT TWEET WAS —
“ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER ISN’T VOLUNTARILY LEAVING “THE
APPRENTICE,’ HE WAS FIRED BY HIS BAD RATINGS.”
THIS GUY’S TRAIN OF THOUGHT IS JUST BAFFLING.
HE’S LIKE A CRAZY GUY ON THE SUBWAY YELLING, THEY’RE TAPPING
MY PHONE! SCHWARZENEGGER SUCKS.
I CAN LICK MY OWN ELBOW. DONALD, FORGET ABOUT “THE
APPRENTICE” ALREADY. YOU’RE THE PRESIDENT NOW.
YOU ARE THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE FREE WORLD.
IT IS A MUCH MORE IMPORTANT SHOW.
AND YOUR RATINGS ARE DEAD LAST.>>I DO HOWEVER HAVE TO GIVE
TRUMP SOME CREDIT THOUGH. EARLIER THIS WEEK, HE WAS ABLE
TO SPEAK LIKE A HUMAN PRESIDENT FOR OVER AN HOUR.
IN FACT, 78% OF AMERICANS HAD A POSITIVE REACTION TO TRUMP’S
SPEECH. BUT THAT’S BECAUSE THE BAR WAS
SET AT READ WORDS GOOD. IT IS NOT AN ENCOURAGING SIGN WE
ARE HOLDING THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TO THE SAME
STANDARD AS ANY BAR MITZVAH BOY.>>PRESIDENT TRUMP’S SPEECH WAS
MET WITH SILENCE FROM THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY AND WITH CHEERS
FROM THE SAUSAGE PARTY.>>FEMALE DEMOCRATS WORE ALL
WHITE OUTFITS TO SHOW THEIR SUPPORT FOR THE WOMEN’S SUFFRAGE
MOVEMENT. EITHER THAT OR THEY WERE ABOUT
TO GO TO A PARTY AT P-DIDDY’S HOUSE.
>>PRESIDENT TRUMP APPEARED OPTIMISTIC SAYING, EVERYTHING
THAT IS BROKEN IN OUR COUNTRY CAN BE FIXED.
WHICH IS HARD TO BELIEVE COMING FROM A GUY WHO SPENT THE BETTER
PART OF HIS LIFE AS A SLUMLORD. WHENEVER A BAD LANDLORD SAYS
THEY’RE GOING TO FIX WHAT’S BROKEN THEY SEND SOME
RUSSIAN GUY TO DO IT.>>A LARGE PART OF DONALD
TRUMP’S SPEECH ON TUESDAY INVOLVED IMMIGRATION REFORM.
WHICH TRUMP ARGUING THAT WE SHOULD SWITCH BETWEEN MERIT
BASED SYSTEM. AND IT’S TRUE UNSKILLED
IMMIGRANTS COMING TO THE U.S. COST TAXPAYERS MONEY.
BUT THE SECOND GENERATION OF IMMIGRANTS ADDS HUGE VALUE TO
THE ECONOMY. AND BY THE THIRD GENERATION,
THEY’RE PRESIDENT.>>A MERIT BASED SYSTEM IS
CONTRARY TO THE WHOLE IDEA OF AMERICA.
MY IRISH ANCESTORS CERTAINLY DIDN’T COME HERE BECAUSE THEY
WERE THE BEST AND THE BRIGHTEST. THEY CAME HERE BECAUSE GOD TOOK
THEIR POTATOES AWAY. AND NOW, AFTER DECADES OF HARD
WORK, THEY HAVE LITERALLY DOZENS OF POTATOES.
THAT’S PROGRESS. MICHAEL?
>>AT LEAST THEY HAD A CHOICE.>>PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID —
>>PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THAT HIS BUDGET WILL HELP ENLARGE WHAT HE
— CALLED A DEPLETED MILITARY. DEPLETED MILITARY IN RELATION TO
WHAT, THE DEATH STAR. I THINK OUR MILITARY HAS BODY
DYSMORPHIA. YEAH.
WE’RE LIKE THAT ROIDED OUT GUY AT THE GYM SLAMMING PLATES
AROUND STILL WORKING ON OUR TRAPS.
AND IT’S LIKE, YEAH, DUDE, WE GET IT, YOU’RE STRONG.
MAYBE FOCUS ON EDUCATION NOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>FORMER KENTUCKY GOVERNOR STEVE BASHEAR THEN GAVE THE
DEMOCRATIC RESPONSE TO PRESIDENT TRUMP’S SPEECH, FROM WHAT
APPEARED TO BE A PUBLIC SCHOOL CAFETERIA WHERE THE LIGHTS WERE
RUNNING ON A BACKUP GENERATOR. THIS DIDN’T EXACTLY INSPIRE
CONFIDENCE IF YOU’RE A DEMOCRAT. IT LOOKS LIKE HE WAS TRYING TO
SELL MY GRANDPARENTS COLONIAL PENN LIFE INSURANCE.
WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE DOESN’T MATTER.
>>I’M A PROUD DEMOCRAT. BUT FIRST AND FOREMOST.
I’M A PROUD REPUBLICAN. AND MOSTLY AMERICAN.
>>WOW, CONGRATULATIONS, DEMOCRATS, AND REPUBLICANS, BUT
MOSTLY AMERICANS. DEMOCRATS HAVE TO STOP FORCING
NEW LEADERS ON US. JUST LET US FIND SOMEONE WHO
VOTERS RESPOND TO NATURALLY. PASSIONATELY.
AND THEN WORK VERY HARD TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T GET THE
NOMINATION.>>KELLYANNE CONWAY WAS WIDELY
CRITICIZED THIS WEEK AFTER BEING PHOTOGRAPHED KNEELING ON A COUCH
IN THE OVAL OFFICE. AND SURE IT DOES KIND OF LOOK
LIKE SHE IS SEARCHING FOR A FLORIDA PLAY LIST TO MAKE HER
BLACK FRIENDS DANCE, BUT I AM NOT GOING NOT GOING TO MAKE FUN
OF HER. I ACTUALLY FEEL BAD FOR KELLY
ANNE CONWAY, BECAUSE HER JOB SUCKS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN AN AIRLINE LOSES YOUR LUGGAGE, AND YOU
CAN’T TALK TO THE CEO, SO YOU JUSTENED UP SCREAMING AT SOME
FRAZZLED LADY NOW GOT TO SPEND HER LUNCH BREAK CRYING INTO A
LEAN CUISINE? WELL THAT LADY IS KELLYANNE
CONWAY. THAT’S HER DAY.
WE WALL HAVE HAD ROUGH JOBS. COULD YOU IMAGINE BEING CUSTOMER
SERVICE FOR DONALD TRUMP? I MEAN, LOOK AT HER DOES SHE
LOOK LIKE SHE IS IN CONTROL? SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE SHOULD BE ON
AN INFOMERCIAL YELLING, BUT THERE HAS GOT TO BE A BETTER
WAY.>>THIS WEEK IT WAS REVEALED
THAT ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS MET WITH THE
AMBASSADOR TO RUSSIA DURING THE CAMPAIGN, EVEN THOUGH HE DENIED
SUCH A MEETING DURING HIS CONFIRMATION HEARING.
NOW, SAYING NO TO A QUESTION WHEN THE ANSWER IS YES, MIGHT
SEEM LIKE A BLACK AND WHITE ISSUE.
REMEMBER, BLACK AND WHITE ISSUES ARE WHAT JEFF SESSIONS IS WORST
AT. THE SILVER LINING IS THAT NOW
WHEN YOU GOOGLE JEFF SESSIONS, JEFF SESSIONS RUSSIA COMES UP
BEFORE JEFF SESSIONS RACIST. SO THAT’S AN IMPROVEMENT.
>>ACCORDING TO REPORTS WHILE MIKE PENCE WAS GOVERNOR OF
INDIANA HE USED A PERSONAL AOL E-MAIL ACCOUNT TO DISCUSS
SENSITIVE MATTERS, INCLUDING HOMELAND SECURITY.
PENCE SAID HE CHOSE AOL BECAUSE HOTMAIL WAS FORBIDDEN BY HIS TOOK YOU A LITTLE WHILE.

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